Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
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Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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