You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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