His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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