you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
