I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
