exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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