from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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