I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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