Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
