To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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