you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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