You can't motorboat a personality
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We smell like vodka and hangover
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