Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
