1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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