you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Randomize
