I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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