My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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