Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
