im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
