dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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