Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
