Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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