I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
