Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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