The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
