so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
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Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
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It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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