I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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