You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
