I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
