It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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