Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's