if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.