i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom