I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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