I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
