I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
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This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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