I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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