I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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