what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
