he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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