I want to make a zoo with you.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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