Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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