i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
