I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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