I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
