If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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