at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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