we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
