Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
