the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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