Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
