I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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