happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
porn star boner night. come get it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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