Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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