I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
