More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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