I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
