Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
