I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
